*Please forgive grammar and spelling errors, I wrote this on impulse and feel like it should be read as raw and structured as I was feeling at the time of composing it*
So, I haven’t written a blog in months now. Why? I just haven’t been able to; I’m not even sure if I’ll get this post finished. Right now it 4:51 and I just spent about 20 minutes throwing up into a bucket on my living room floor. My fiancée finally went back to bed after nursing me for the last 45 minutes or so.
It’s been a really hard few weeks recently; my ADHD is in full flight and kicking my ass a little to be honest. It’s been very hectic, Conor isn’t coping the best with the structure-less summer holidays, our attempts to keep him busy and engaged result most often with “I’m tired” and “Stop ‘noying me!” he doesn’t want to eat at dinner time most days… but luckily he’s also very good at breakfast and lunch so it’s easy to slip in the nutrition he needs without having to stress him out over finishing his veggies at dinner time. A typical ASD parent problem, but I hadn’t had to worry about it for so long, and it was just the worst week for it to resurface. But still it’s one more thing on the list of worries.
We also took in a nine month old foster puppy about 2 or 3 weeks ago (I honestly can’t keep my days straight) and we found out about a week ago that she’s pregnant and the previous owner of the dog had no idea! Due to a personal circumstance the dog was kept by a former partner and returned to her only recently, but Skyler (the puppy) was already well into her pregnancy. I didn’t notice the signs at first, I just thought she was a very lazy husky, like my Xena and loved her sleep and cuddles. She was very chubby for a husky too, so I wormed her in case she was bloated with worms and nothing really changed. She was happy, occasionally playful and mostly lazy as hell, I figured she’s 9 months old and she’s been eating crappy cans of Pedigree Chump mixed with crappy nuts, no wonder she was chubby. So naturally I weaned her onto a good puppy diet, and figured I’d let it sorted itself out. We found Skyler a home with Nikki’s mom and sister who were dying to get her home last Friday (or the Friday before) but few days before we had planned to travel the 2 and a half hours to their house with her I noticed her nipples were very swollen and when I put my hand under her to check I felt a puppy move. So it was straight to vet 20ish kilometres away in Gorey, I don’t trust the vets in my home town, also I worked in this particular hospital all through college as a work experience student, vet tech or volunteer at various times. The scanner was barely on her belly and there was a puppy on the screen, fully formed with his or her tiny heart thumping along very nicely. When I informed her owner she was so upset and angry that her ex partner, clearly, hadn’t looked after the dog at all and offered to pay the vets bills. A week later she was back again for a scan because she was acting strange not eating and not really sleeping. Which was her all-time favourite pastime. Also…. I could only feel one puppy moving and I didn’t want to the take risk that if tragedy had struck the other puppies the surviving ones might have the same fate. But I over reacted and she was fine so were the babies!
So there are two of the issues I’ve been dealing with along with desperate battles with my lack of focusing abilities. I’m staring fights left right and centre because I’m convinced I’ve told Nikki something or asked her to do something and she hasn’t done them or tells me she knew nothing about whatever it was I was sure I’d told her. I was drifting off mid-sentence and completely just shutting off. I had so many different trains of thought in my head:
I need to do….
I forgot to….
The dogs need….
We have get Conor’s school supplies.
We need to pay…
We need to buy….
I need to go…..
Skyler is sick….
Xander needs to go to behavioural therapy today.
I have to drive *someone* …
I’m so sick right know I can’t even…
There were just so many things and more going through my mind that eventually I couldn’t even pick out one clear thought or worry from the din. I had a constant headache and very bad chest infection (still do) and now some type of vomiting bug… I remember a few times just crying on Nikki’s shoulder because I just didn’t know which way was up, I couldn’t even tell her why I was crying, I didn’t even know to be honest. But she knows better than to ask why at this stage. This was my longest bad patch since I was diagnosed at 24 (now 27) and it was so, so difficult. I’m saying ‘was’ now because I just checked my word count and so far I’ve written over 880 words…. So maybe this bad patch is coming to a close. Its 5:37 now and I’m just going to post this after a quick spell check and nothing else. Please forgive any spelling errors or bad grammar. I’d rather you get the full impact the raw rambles above so that maybe other ADHD moms out there who ever feel like this can feel like they aren’t all the horrible things I thought about myself this week, feeling guilty over not paying enough attention, not having patients, not having the energy to do things because I haven’t slept in a week for more than an hour at time. And for all you neuro-typical moms…. Because I’m sure many of you have had an ADHD week or two here and there.
It’s passing. I hope.